Published by admin on 15 Apr 2014

Immanuel’s Birth Story

It’s been three weeks, and things are already getting fuzzy, so I better get down what I can remember before it’s gone completely.

The night before my scheduled c section, Moses woke up several times, ending with his wake up at 4:30am.  I brought him in to snuggle with my sister on her blow up mattress, he wasn’t interested at first, but finally warmed up and I was able to get ready.  I was glad I got to say good bye to Moses, but nervous for the surgery coming up.

5:30AM we left for the hospital.

5:45AM we check in.  Everything is going smoothly and some poor woman is wheeled in on a wheel chair moaning and looking like she is in absolute hell.  The check in desk attendant was kind of, rude is the wrong word, short?  I don’t know, he said, “Oh, you’re back.”  She got taken in and shortly after so were we.

5:50AM we are taken to our room.  It’s twice the size of the room I labored in for 24 hours with Moses while I was induced.  I’m instantly retroactively mad that I got stuck in that hideous room for Moses birth, with that hideous bed.  The lack of coffee I’m sure has something to do with this.  I get into my gown and my nurse puts the monitors on my stomach.  I like our nurse, but that is until she tries to place my IV and cannot get blood to come out.  Something about a valve?  She has to try again on my right arm.  Not ideal for breast feeding, I’m getting too nervous to be irritated.   The baby is kicking around and we hear the whooshes on the monitor.

7:00AM shift change.  Our new nurse is pretty chipper, I don’t love chipper, but she is really great, and explains everything about the surgery.  I tell her I had a pretty traumatic time with Moses and that I’m pretty freaked out.  She tells me she’s going to be there the whole way through to recovery and it makes me feel a little better.

7:15AM the anesthesiologist visits.  He explains the spinal block, risks etc.  He goes through the surgery for me again.  I’m starting to feel more nerves and tell him about my previous c section.  He tells me he’s got whatever I need and he’ll be by my head the whole time.  If I have any questions during the surgery, he’ll be right there with me.

7:45AM My doctor arrives!  I love her.  She tells me that my OR is ready but we have to wait for another OR to clear in case there’s an emergency.  They need to keep on OR open.  She talks me through the surgery.  At this point, I feel like I could run the procedure the number of times it’s been explained to me.

8:10AM we get the go ahead for the surgery and Seth gets into his scrubs and the nurse takes our bags away.  Seth has left the camera in my bag.  I tell him to just use his iPhone, but my doctor is like, “NO!” She personally takes Seth to find my camera, and finds it because Seth is a mess and cannot follow directions.  I wonder to myself if the anesthesiologist can give him something for HIS nerves.

8:15AM Our nurse tells us this is it!  She makes us take a picture.

We part ways in the hallway and I walk into a very bright, very cold OR.  Bob Marley is playing.  I consider telling them to change it but I’m superstitious so I don’t want to mess up anyone’s flow and leave it.

8:16AM My doctor holds my hands while the anesthesiologist does his thing.  There are so many fewer doctors in the room this time.  Two anesthesiologists, my doctor, her partner, two nurses - one for me, one for Manny and another medical person - what was she, who knows, I was just hoping this was going to go smoothly.

My legs start to feel numb.  I hate this feeling and remember it vividly from Moses labor. I think if I had to do it all over again, the epidural would wait.  That numb paralyzed feeling is awful to me.  They start doing the whole, “Can you feel this, how about this?” routine and I feel like I’m in the optometrist’s office except instead of a glasses prescription I’m about to be cut open, so I really don’t want to screw up.

The drape is put up and they bring Seth in finally, I mutter something about the reggae, but Seth likes the song that’s playing, Soul Rebel.  It seems like a really long time that they’re cutting me open, but they have to cut off my keloid scar and get through some scar tissue from my last surgery and finally my doctor tells Seth to get the camera ready.

8:46AM He’s out.  It takes what seems like forever for him to cry.  There’s that moment of drama, the moment when you’re wondering and hoping and thinking WHY ISN’T HE CRYING YET, and then bam, he cries.  He cries, I cry, it’s such a universal moment for moms, but there it is.  My doctor says, “He’s so cute! and he looks smart!”  They tell Seth to peak over the drape and he takes a picture.

They bring him over to the warming table and work on him a bit.  There’s a little concern about his grunting.  It’s decided that he’ll go with me to recovery and they’ll assess from there. C section babies’ lungs don’t get the mucous squeezed out in the birth canal so they worry about lack of big wailing cries.

While they’re cleaning him up, I’m getting stitched up.  It takes a little while because they treat the site with steroids and she does actual stitches instead of staples in an effort to prevent keloid scarring again.  While all of this is going on, Seth cuts the cord, and I am trying to catch glimpses of my baby.  He looks so tiny.

I finally get to meet Immanuel.  He’s gorgeous.

After what seems like forever, we get to head to recovery and after successful latching but not a lot of crying, just grunting, they send him to the nursery to be bathed to make sure there are no underlying breathing issues.  He’s returned to me and pronounced completely healthy.

I wish I could have given birth to Moses naturally, so that I could give birth to Manny naturally, but hey, this was so much more pleasant and calm than the last time around, I am fine.


Published by admin on 02 Apr 2014

Immanuel Miller

The full birth story is in the works, but in case you missed the announcement on my other social media accounts - He’s here!

He weighed 7 lbs, 8 oz, 21 inches long.  Born at 8:46am.  (He’s gained back all of his birth weight plus 2 ozs as of today, we know because we’ve been back and forth to the doctor for jaundice checks.  Waiting to hear if we need the lights for him, I’m hoping his numbers are finally going down.)

It took us a long time to come up with a name we both liked and we stuck with the Biblical theme, mostly because the names go so well together.  His middle name is to honor Seth’s mother who passed away in February of last year.  I love that both Moses and Immanuel have middle names that honor their grandmothers.  I’d really rather their grandmothers be here, but life is cruel that way, isn’t it?

I’m recovering so much better than I did last time, it’s amazing what skipping 30 hours of labor and 2 hours of pushing will do for you!

Moses is kind of ignoring the fact that we have a baby, which is fine, we’re just going at his pace and not rushing things.  He’ll come around, I’m sure.

Published by admin on 23 Mar 2014

The last days of the three of us

I wanted these last days before the new baby to be filled with special experiences, things that we (Seth and I, because, clearly a 20 month old is not going to remember squat) could look back on and marvel at.  Museums and trips to the park and family time at home.

Instead, Moses got sick.  The sickest he’s ever been.  He has had a high fever since Wednesday night, I thought he was clear this morning, but it came up again right before dinner.  This means he’s been sleeping in our bed, and trying to manage his temperature without over managing it.  You’re supposed to treat the symptoms not the number, but how do you know if at 2am he’s crying because he’s uncomfortable or because he’s hot or because you’re taking his temperature or, or…

Anyway, he was really feverish and out of sorts and just terrible yesterday and we had the cleaning lady scheduled to come right during his nap time because that was the only time we could get her before the baby came and before he was sick it seemed like it would be fine.  So, we checked into a hotel.  So he could nap.  I don’t even know what our life is, these days.  It’s stupid.

And then he didn’t nap!  And then I wanted to just leave and go home, but we had checked into a hotel! And then Seth fell asleep with Moses at 8:30 and snored and it was awful and I was forced to sort of sleep crossways along the bottom of the giant king sized bed because every time I tried to move Moses, he would wake up and start crying.  One day, I’ll look back and laugh.

Today at about 7am we gave him Motrin to ease his 104 degree temp and hopefully help his mood.  At noon, he was still in good spirits and fell asleep in 2 minutes, at 3 he was still good and I was hopeful that we’d seen the end of it.  At 5pm, he started to feel hot and got pretty grumpy.  At bedtime he was a mess.

He is sleeping in his crib right now, he had a really hard time going down to sleep, and I cried and he cried and I ate ice cream and he got Motrin and yeah, I’m mostly worried about him during this transition and I’m going to miss it just being us, maybe?  I don’t know.  I don’t know what I’m doing.

All I know is I will definitely remember this time, these last few days until New Baby joins us.

Oh, oops!  And now I’m crying again.

Published by admin on 18 Mar 2014

38 Weeks (The final countdown…)

I have a very long to do list for this week, because in a mere 7 days (barring anything crazy) I’m going to be holding a new little baby!  A fresh one!  Right out of the oven!  This is both terrifying and exciting.

I have been sleeping terribly, I have heartburn again, and the hot weather has me pretty swollen, so I’m pretty excited about baby extraction date.

My bedroom is a mess - I don’t know what to do with all of these baby clothes.  I don’t have a dresser for New Baby, because I’m thinking they can share, but we won’t be using Moe’s dresser as a changing table because as I recall there were plenty of middle of the night diaper changes and I’m not about to go barging into Moe’s room to change a diaper, his sleep is precarious enough as it is.  I like having an actual dedicated changing area because I found with c section recovery changing the baby anywhere but a table was too hard.  And blah blah blah, no space in our giant duplex, blah, this is not a real problem, but my life is very small now that I’m not working so the little problems get a lot of thought.  YOU’RE WELCOME.

I have my last doctor appointment today, man, I’m going to miss seeing my doctor every week after I’m all done with this pregnancy.  I really love her so much, not enough to be pregnant again, but a lot.

Also, I’m a still little sad about this being my last pregnancy.  I mean, obviously, anything can happen (I know women with IUD babies, vasectomy babies, and a tubal ligation baby…) but as uncomfortable as this pregnancy has been, and fraught with second baby worries (can we really afford this?) I love feeling the little guy moving around in there and it doesn’t seem all that fair that I won’t get to experience that again.  But I have the same longing feelings about Moses, I love this age he’s at, just starting to form small sentences, being devilish and devious but in that toddler way that is so charming that it’s hard to put down rules and not laugh.  God, he’s the best.  And this new baby, he’ll be the best too, but in his own way.  And how can I have the two best babies?  Is it really possible?  I can’t wait to meet him and see what he’s all about.  What will he be like?

Published by admin on 11 Mar 2014

37 Weeks (Cue panicked breathing into a paper bag)

So, I’m 37 weeks.  My bag is packed, except I forgot to pack New Baby’s coming home outfit.  I guess he’ll have to wear that dumb shirt the hospital puts on all the babies (that I saved for a long time and then was like, this shirt is dumb and ill fitting, BYE) and a blanket if I go into labor right this moment.  Or, you know, Seth can just pick up an outfit from the 3,000 we have left over from Moe at the house.

I am mostly just trying to manage Seth’s anxiety right now.  He is FUH-reaked out about our little petri dish (AKA Moe) getting the baby sick.  Which, I get, but um, let’s try to remain calm until Moses like sneezes into the baby’s mouth or something, right?  (I knew who I was marrying, but damn, let’s up the xanax, amiright?) I have cried a lot about this and now I’m just sort of Capricorning ahead as Capricorns do, you know, with their horns, up that mountain, bleating.

I forgot to mention that last week I lost a little weight due to the head cold that wouldn’t quit and this week I’ve done my duty and gained it back.  This baby is going to come out Cheeto colored and taste like cheesecake and Taco Bell, YUM (?).

On the way to daycare we heard a song called Family Tree by Frances England* and Moses loved it.  He was singing along.  Is there anything cuter than a baby singing a song they don’t know, quietly, and with purpose?  I don’t think so.  The song is about how this little kid’s family of three is growing a new branch, awww, and yeah, I might have cried a little.  SUE ME.

Here’s some photos, official and otherwise of my big ol’ baby belly.

*Amazon affiliate link!

Published by admin on 03 Mar 2014

February Wrap Up, March Goals

February, oh, February, what are we going to do with you?  Here’s what I wanted to accomplish:

1. Budget buying only - I did pretty well with this, but there was one week where Amazon, Target and I had kind of a love affair and my damn budget had to adjust and everything was wonky and I really like budgeting so I’m still doing it.  The budget buying only thing is sort of my new thing.  I will continue this because Amazon, Target and I are going to have to go on a break once I stop working in 2 short weeks.  (TWO WEEKS?!)

2. Write 10 pages a week - I didn’t write a single page.  I’d like to take a moment and tip my hat to writers who are moms of babies, because wow, as soon as Moe’s sleep was effed up, I was unable to do anything in the evening other than the complete bare essentials.

3. Walk 5 miles one day a week - No.  Unfortunately, my new schedule didn’t really allow enough time for me to get Moe ready and me ready and out the door and do a long morning walk.  Once I’m done with work, I think I’ll be able to resume this.  But I’ll be a million weeks pregnant, so who knows.

4. Start a bullet journal - YES!  And I love it.  LOVE, LOVE, LOVE it.

5. Get personal files in order - I did a huge purge of old bank statements and random crap I don’t need out of my file boxes and I got my will done, just need to get it witnessed, so I consider this checked off.

6. Clean out a box of old journals - My old journals are in the garage and the garage is a total shit show right now because of Seth.  I cannot get to my boxes because of the way he stored stuff and so, they sit in there, waiting for me to die and for people to read them and get embarrassed for me.  I did, however, find a stack of journals that had a “one sentence journal” started very early with Moe’s life, but only had a few entries.  I’m going to try and pick that back up, because I really liked reading those few brief entries.

7. Go see a movie in the movie theater - DONE.  I saw Inside Llewyn Davis with Allie and I loved it.  Mostly because I got to eat a giant thing of popcorn and drink a Diet Coke and didn’t have to listen for a baby crying.

8. Wash and moisturize face nightly. DONE-ish, I did this about 40% of the time, which is WAY better than the zero % of time I was doing before.  Hope to keep this up.

Goals for March?  Well, this month a baby will be born.  My baby.  My second baby!  He’s scheduled for extraction at the end of the month, but I’m seriously going to take it easy on myself.

1. Pack hospital bag

2. Freeze a couple of crock pot meals

3. Install infant car seat

4. Get my will signed and witnessed


Published by admin on 03 Mar 2014

36 Weeks

Phew!  I called on good friend Allie, who lives close by, and promises to leave her ringer on, to be our emergency person in case I go into labor in the middle of the night and need someone to stay with Moses.  CHECKED OFF THE LIST.  It was a total relief to have that little plan in place especially because, I don’t know, I might just go into labor! People go into labor all the time.  It’s not like it’s impossible. We also met with a nanny who is going to help us out post c section so I don’t have to worry about lifting Moses into the car and driving him to daycare.  Seth thinks I’m “banishing him” to daycare and thinks the nanny should just stay home with him, but I think, knowing my personal space issues and our lack of a backyard, etc, it will be better for Moe to stay in this new routine and whatever, Seth and I are always going to disagree about child care.  It’s just the way it is.  I want Moe to have a place to go during the day so I can sleep and recover and not feel guilty about Moe being trapped in our house.  Seth wants Moe to be home with me and a nanny so that he won’t get sick and get the baby sick.  Look, I agree that Moe getting sick all the time is a drag, but if he’s home all day, guess who he’s going to want to be with - ME - and guess whose recovery will take longer and who will get really cranky - ALSO ME.  Once I’m recovered and into my routine with Manny, we’ll play it by ear.  Sorry, I guess I needed to vent a little there.  Third trimester Tamara is reliably cranky!

With that off my to do list everything else felt much easier and I have just been trying to get as much Moses time in as possible before the big date.  Yesterday I napped with him and he slept 2 hours.  That is the longest he’s napped in months.  It was so nice.  This morning’s day care drop off started with tears in the car as soon as we were about 2 blocks away.  I talked him through the day and he sobbed and sobbed.  I got him out of the car and talked him through it again and said, “Can you be a brave boy and be really nice and not cry when you see Seema?”  He said, “Seema?”  And I said, yes.  I brought him in and handed him over and he put his head on her shoulder and went limp.  No tears.  Oh shit.  I’m going to cry.  Did I do the right thing by asking him to be brave?  Does he need to be brave yet?  Third trimester Tamara is also VERY sensitive and emotional.

Here’s this morning’s photo.

Published by admin on 28 Feb 2014

34 and 35 weeks

Hmmm…  I had an ultrasound last week and everything looked good.  I am retaining water like crazy.  I thought I was in labor last night!  But since I am typing this from work right now, it appears I was not in labor, just having some contraction-y type things.  Lower back pain, and normal uterine tightening, and I couldn’t get comfortable.  I don’t know what it was, but clearly it wasn’t labor.  The baby was kicking around like crazy throughout the whole thing, so maybe it was just baby gymnastics pain?

I’m super sensitive and prone to getting my feelings hurt right now.  Seth is exhausted from his school schedule and kind of snapped at me last night when I asked a follow up question.  I almost cried! Buck up, little camper!

I have to get my hospital bag packed and interview a nanny tomorrow (for a just in case I go into labor and there is no one here to take care of Moe situation AND for after my sister leaves and I still won’t be able to carry Moe around).  I guess we also should start thinking about getting that car seat installed.   Less than a month to go!  Eep!

Here’s 34 weeks:

And eerily similar (sans my chin… where did it go?) 35 weeks:

Published by admin on 26 Feb 2014

Happy Birthday!

Seth doesn’t read this blog.  But today is his birthday.  We’ve been together for 6 years now, HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE? And I still love him even though he snores and gets mad when I ask him to roll over on his side so I can go back to sleep.  But how can you not love the person who helped you make this:

And this!

Published by admin on 24 Feb 2014

Day Care Drop Off Day Seven

Things have really escalated in the separation anxiety department.  This weekend, while suffering from a mild cold with a low fever and a random bedtime puke, Moses has been unable to be apart from me.  He even refused to get up with Seth on my one morning I am able to sleep in.  I’m 8 months pregnant, I’m exhausted and Moe no longer sleeps through the night.  I am pretty much at my wit’s end.  That’s the sleep deprivation talking, I know.

He used to love bath time.  Now, because it signals the start of the bedtime routine he fights it tooth and nail.  He used to say, “All done,” after his pre-bed bottle and point to his bed, now as soon as I move to put him in his crib he starts crying.  It’s all so emotional and difficult.

This morning at day care drop off, he had to be pried from my arms and I left with him screaming.  It will get better, right?

The good thing is the day care ladies assure me this is all normal and he’s fine after I leave, but man, if this isn’t tough.  Especially since a new baby coming is going to really set everything out of whack.  OMG.

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